Red Wings Sign Icelandic Star Center Gunnar Magnusson
DETROIT, MI – The Red Wings have made the biggest international free agent acquisition in NHL history. They have reached an unprecedented $300 million 16-year deal with Icelandic center Gunnar Magnusson. They will also pay a $20 million posting fee to his Icelandic club Skautafélag Akureyrar. This landmark deal dwarfs Alexander Ovechkin’s $124 million 13-year…
Single Unemployed White Guy Finds True Love in Korea
In his hometown of Sarnia, Ontario, 30 year old Lucas Elliot was single, unemployed and living with his mother. The women in his life comprised of his mother, pet bird and hentai. Despite earning a BA in Psychology at Brock University, he has never had a steady job due to a struggling economy and his…
Venezuela’s Central Bank hopes Elon Musk can send Bolivar to the Moon
Venezeula’s central bank is seeking the help of Elon Musk and Reddit to pump the value of its national currency, the Bolivar. Before Musk’s tweets, Dogecoin was practically worthless with absolutely no use case, much like the Bolivar today. It has since inspired an endless supply of internet memes and a fanbase on Reddit. According…
Police find 17 Aliens in a Car and Set Them Free
NOGALES, AZ – The Arizona Department of Public Safety is warning residents of Maricopa County to look out for aliens roaming the streets in Chandler and Pheonix. According to credible news sources, Arizona state police found 17 aliens in a car during a traffic stop on Interstate 10, 200 miles southeast of Area 51. They…
Toronto Police to issue tickets for distracted walking
TORONTO, ON – In an effort to reduce traffic collisions, police will soon start ticketing any pedestrians seen texting and walking. According to the Insurance Bureau of Canada, 26% of all crashes involve phone use. “Distracted walking doesn’t just cause property damage,” says a public relations representative from the CAA. “More importantly, it puts at…
IOC Vice President Dick Pound offered role in porn
While news on the upcoming Tokyo 2021 Olympics has been quiet, The Wet Beaver has learned that porn production company Vivid Entertainment has made an offer to International Olympic Committee (IOC) Vice President Dick Pound for a role in a hardcore film. As soon as this news was confirmed, Reddit and Twitter users wasted no…
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